According to UK retailer Debenhams, sales of control pants have risen by 30% since the rise in popularity of singer Lady Gaga. Good thing too, I can’t be doing with all those strings. A girl needs to keep her kidneys warm.
Tag Archives: media
Here’s a heads up on what men will be wearing next year – these are part of the Alexander McQueen collection being shown in the current Milan Fashion Week. In the collection are suits smeared with paint, crumpled and worn trousers and knitwear that comes with ready-made holes. I guess we may all be on skid row by then so it should be a pretty easy look to emulate …just head down to the local charity shop. There’s not much more to say about that really, is there?
Photos from Vogue UK
The other day I was sent the following exchange of email correspondence which made me giggle, especially as the sender, who knows us very well, suggested that it had all the hallmarks of our family. Really? I can’t think why! …
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public.
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written…..
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I’m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary’s Crescent, which is just off St Mary’s Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
I fear that it’s only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I’ve just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this – after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain your obedient servant
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Community Beat Officer
Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book of Records.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary’s Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It’s surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I’ll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don’t work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!
Hey, here’s a question for you: Why, in the northern hemisphere, do we call 21st June ‘Midsummer’s Day’ when 21st June actually marks ‘the start of Summer’? Aha…
Did you know that in meteororololololgical terms Spring begins on 1st March, Summer on 1st June, Autumn – 1st September and Winter – 1st December? Those dates make more sense to me in terms of what the weather is actually doing, certainly where I live, and in my own mind this is closer to how I think of the year. (That still doesn’t make ‘Midsummer’s‘ day on 21st June mind you). Confusing, innit?
Well, just who went and confused things by willy nilly declaring the start of the seasons as the 21st of March, June, September and December? I bet it was those pesky Christians (no hate mail please – to all intents and purposes I’m one of them …which doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m currently a fully paid-up member of the club). If you know the answer, do tell.
Happy Fathers’ Day to all the Dads out there. If you haven’t already, check out the videos I posted yesterday: A funny (and wincingly painful) clip from the brilliant Paul Merton’s trip to India, and maybe my favourite ad of all time (well…so far), the Guinness surfers and white horses ad.
I’m posting two videos in honour of Father’s Day tomorrow:
This comes from the ‘Paul Merton in India’ series which aired on Channel 5 in the UK last year. This is a scene where the men around us will be wincing as they laugh – totally unbelieveable and unmissable.
The other video is the wonderful, award winning ‘White Horses’ ad for Guinness – one of the best adverts of all time.
Happy Fathers’ Day to all the Dads out there!
I must admit I don’t understand the desire for tattoos simply because I know I’d get fed up with whatever design was permanently etched on my body. Then there is the question of how it will look in years to come as your body expands and warps with age (as it is prone to do). If you want a design on your skin why not use something like henna, which will at least fade and next time round you can try something else, somewhere else?
Today’s story that an 18-year-old Belgian girl has ‘mistakenly’ had 56 stars tattooed on her face is beyond belief. From everything I’ve heard and comments I’ve read today there is no way that you could fall asleep during this, meaning that it was a silly decision that she will now have to face every time she looks in the mirror. Part of me feels desperately, desperately sorry for her. Part of me thinks that she’s been a right twit and as someone has said – take a look at the tatoo artist. That should have made her think twice. Surely?
A photo from the REUTERS site this morning is a reminder of how lucky many of us are to live where we do and helps to put our lives back in perspective. This part of Africa seems to be kicked at every turn.
A boy drinks water from a pond in Bule Duba village in the outskirts of Moyale, near the edge of Oroma and Somali regions of Ethiopia, June 12, 2009. Prolonged drought, lack of water and limited pasture have led to conflict between the Somali and Borena ethnic groups in southern Ethiopia which left hundreds of people dead in February this year. The International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies (IFRC) says it needs some 100 million Swiss francs to prevent conflict, famine and epidemics as well as restore the livelihoods of 2.5 million people in the Horn of Africa.
It’s early morning, the house is quiet and I’ve just been doing my usual, i.e. checking emals, Fickr photos, website stats and the news – local, national and international. Last night’s on-line local paper relayed coverage of a Court case where a group of drunken youths had thrown a bottle of urine at a 22-year-old man and his group of female friends. When the man told them they should be doing homework they attacked him like a pack of animals (the Magistrate’s description) beating him to the ground and repeatedly kicking him. I think it’s probably sheer luck, by the sounds of it, that they didn’t kill him. The punishment meted out was a custodial sentence for one, the rest have to complete community service. None can be named because of their age. The Magistrate also commented that this group had terrorised our community, making people nervous about walking in town in the evenings.
This could be any newspaper in any part of the country – the story will sound the same over and over again, but maybe this article grabbed my attention because it rang a little bell with me. About 10 years ago mi amore and I were crossing some open public gardens on our way to dinner one evening when a group of youths threw a bottle of something at us. M A shouted at them and started to chase them but they ran off, scattering in all directions. Just as well, I’m now thinking. What if they’d stood their ground? What if they’d attacked?
When I was growing up they still used ‘the birch’ to publicly flail youths who had committed similarly serious crimes. It had the desired deterrent effect and made everyone aware in this small community of exactly who the troublemakers were. Coincidentally, walking in town in the evenings was also something that everyone could do happily and without fear.
I’m not saying that I want to bring back the birch but it should be abundantly clear that there is now no deterrent at all to acting in anti-social and violent ways and that legislation will allow anyone under 18 to also hide under the cloak of anonymity. (This is almost a separate issue, I know, but I think it’s bonkers that we will send people to war to die for their country at 16 but we won’t name someone in a case like this until they’re beyond 18). What we do now to punish the bad in society clearly isn’t working. Why can’t we see that?
This video is apparently causing a sensation in France at the moment. Carla Bruni was conducting an interview with journalists from women’s magazine ‘Femme Actuelle’ when the French President accidentally wandered in. Whether this chance meeting was staged or not, and whether you speak French or not, the body language and glances show the true story – a couple very much in love. Quite charming and a very welcome change from everything else that is going on in politics elsewhere at the moment.